Friendship Keepers

[talon]

Re that last post on relationships, here's a bit more. These are things I find that help in maintaining friendships. They may work for you, or they may not. Mix and match, add and subtract as needed to find your friendship keepers.

Don't Snoop. Eavesdropping, rumors, emails, tweets - these can all be taken out of context and misconstrued. Too many friendships have been ruined by distrust and "he said that she said that she said that..." and let's not even get into phrases and even whole sentences lifted out-of-context and repeated with a twist. Better to just ignore them and wait for your friend to share with you what's really happening. Either you love and trust your friend - or you don't, and I'd rather love and trust.

Skip the "tests" and games. Goes right back to love and trust. Either you do, and there's no need to constantly "test" your friendship, or you don't, in which case, why are you friends?

Be confident. Do things for yourself, apply for a better job, dress confidently, follow a dream, finish your degree, take responsibility for your actions - and credit! If you have a good sense of self-worth built through actually getting things done, you'll be a better friend, more confident in your relationships, and you'll find it easier to trust your friends and easier to disregard vicious rumors and attempts by not-so-friendly people to break your friendship.

Have some groundrules. I know, I know - rules suck. But admit it, you already have rules, you just haven't admitted them to yourself. Spell those rules out for yourself. Some of them may be self-defeating and conflict with others, and isn't it nice to know those rules can change? So fix up your rules, get them in a coherent shape, then share the revised rules with your friends so you're all OK with things. Like maybe you never, ever answer texts because you're still using a plan that makes you pay for each text and it pisses you off when friends text you because their plans have unlimited texting. Tell them your rules, and real friends will abide by them (unless they are insanely ridiculous and you pruned those out already, didn't you?).

Listen to your friends' rules. Your friends will listen to and (mostly) obey your rules. Reciprocate. You have to listen to and (mostly) abide by their rules, too. Maybe they have a deep and passionate love for a specific sports team and they want to attend or watch all their team's games and their rule is nobody bothers them during the games - do you respect that or just barge into their life whenever you feel like it? You can't expect them to obey your rules if you don't obey theirs.

Discuss major issues. If you can't talk about your religious differences, political differences, job responsibilities, family needs, and other things that impact your friendship, maybe you aren't friends. You're acquaintances. Listen to their opinions and thoughts and choices on such things. Discuss these things, that's what friends are for. And don't neglect your personal rules and theirs. Gotta talk about those rules, too.

Be affectionate. Again, I know, I know - sexual harassment raises its ugly head. I think we as a society have gone way beyond prudishness and well into frigid territory. Sadly, society seems to have sexualized everything when often, it's just affection (and sometimes a wardrobe accident). It's not the End of the World if two friends hug, or if a button pops and exposes something not meant to be displayed. The latter is probably good for teasing and jokes, and neither justify involving the law and for the courts to prosecute and fine.

Stop analyzing. Not everything your friend does has a direct - or even an indirect - bearing on you and the friendship between you. They have other friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, professional and semi-professional relationships and others. You are not the only person in their life and you shouldn't be. Nor should they be the only person in your life. Get out, get some confidence, and make other friends so you don't suffocate the one you have.

Don't bash absent friends/acquaintances. Sometimes, it helps to vent about someone else (a lover or spouse or child or parent, usually), but don't bash them. If your friend is bashing someone to you, stop them. You'll both appreciate it later. Bashing has a nasty habit of heterodyning; it leads to an increase in worry, fear, paranoia, and hatred. Events get blown all out of proportion. Nasty rumors get started. And boom - what was once a loving, trusting friendship is gone. If you want to be a friend, just don't go there. And don't let them go there.

Have lots of other interests. If your friend can't be with you, have something fun and interesting to do. If you're busy and happy, you're less likely to worry that your friend is avoiding you - you'll think they are busy and happy, too. So when you do contact them to touch bases, you won't be whiny, needy, and accusatory, you'll be excited and happy and they'll want to share in that with you.

Present your best side. Sometimes, you "let it all hang out" with a friend, but show some respect for the friendship by sometimes being on your best behavior.

Be affirmative. Always telling your friends "you don't deserve" whatever, or that "you haven't got any friends" (what are they - chopped liver?) and "no one understands you" (again - what are they - chopped liver?) alienates others. Stop it. Stop it and pause long enough to consider what effect that is having on you as well as on your friendship. Give your friends credit for being your friend, and consider that your friend probably understands you better than you understand yourself. Because they are your friend, you automatically deserve them.

Don't be dependent. You most certainly can unclog your own sink, kill your own bugs, and do many other things for yourself. You don't need your friend to hold your hand every step of the way. Your friends will cut you some slack if you are in the end stages of a terminal illness or going through a temporary crises (it is temporary, right?) because they know you'll do the same for them. But for the most part, take care of your things yourself. You'll feel better and your friendship will be stronger when you call your friend because you like them and not because you need something from them.

Let your friends be themselves. If they feel like you are always judging them, comparing them to others, or trying to get them to be someone they aren't, they'll eventually strike back at you - and neither of you will feel good about it. Listen to your friends and accept them as they are.

Be yourself. There's nothing more aggravating than discovering you aren't the person you pretend to be. Maintaining a façade is not only exhausting for you (let's see, I love purple when I'm with Darcy, and orange is my passion when I'm with Bob, and OMG I love football - gag - when I'm with George and was it Amy or Judy that I love Roller Derby with? Maybe I should get new friends and start over....), it can be confusing and degrading for people who thought they were your friend. You don't have to love everything your friend loves, or even like it. Just accept that Bob loves football if you don't care about football and don't bother him during games - you can bond over your joint passion for urban chicken raising. Your friends will still love you if you admit you love all things chartreuse. Those little differences are what endear you to them and I'll bet it's those little differences of theirs that endear them to you. Be proud of who you are.

Let go of emotional baggage. Sometimes, friends can help you shed this baggage, but first you have to admit you have it. So your aunt thinks your sister is the "pretty one" or your mother thinks you're a klutz and maybe you were - back when you were in third grade and barely formed. You're older now and you've grown into your ears or your legs and your zits have cleared up (or you're more skillful at concealing them) and you're not the child you once were. Shed it and embrace your current self and the opportunities for growth that lie ahead of you. Your friends will be there with you, may have been there since you were the zitty, ungraceful, jug-eared teen you were, and they'll be there when you score that goal, nail that promotion, or just barely lose that trophy. Your friends are your friends and they loved you zitty and they'll love you bald, and they certainly love you now.

Don't compare. Don't even try to compare your friendship to other people's friendships. What you see may not be the whole picture. If you're concerned about your friendship, look within yourself to find and fix what you think is wrong. It may be a perspective issue, or maybe you're stressed. Tell your friend you're not made of love right then and you need to spend some time pondering what your problem is. Then go off and do just that. Your friend will be waiting for you when you return.

Listen to your friends If they tell you they aren't made of love right then and need some space to find and fix what's wrong - listen to them. Let them go. Tell them you love them you'll be waiting for them when they're ready to come back. Let them know you're available if they need anything during the process - and then - leave them alone until they call you. Don't go chasing after them nagging them, pestering them with offers of help, or worse - whining that they don't love you and they've abandoned you and detailing all the ways they (supposedly) are hurting you just because they need some time to themselves. Respect their needs.

Make time for your friends. Don't always be making excuses to not be with your friend - or worse, making a date and then standing up your friends. If you made plans to be with them, be there. That TV show will be available on re-runs or you can rent the DVD. The only valid reasons for standing up a date with a friend are ones that involve serious emergencies: fires, accidents, deaths, contagious illness, injuries, family needs - and you owe it to your friend to tell them as soon as possible if such an emergency arises - before the meeting when possible and as soon after as possible. And it wouldn't hurt to pick up the tab at the coffee shop when you apologize. Don't make a habit of having emergencies just so you can avoid your friend. If you're avoiding them, stop and find out why.

Communicate. Talk to your friends. Don't assume they know what's going on in your life. Give details if they're needed - say you have moved away and you'll be visiting the old home town where you have friends. Tell your friends when you'll be in town and pick a place to meet - give dates, times, and location in excruciating detail. And if you're the home town friend, when a friend returns, and they give you meet up details, don't casually forget. Either tell them you can't make it or be there. Standing them up is not friendly. Or say you're taking a vacation with a friend - plan joint and separate activities and keep one another posted on what you're doing. Meet for at least 1 meal a day if you don't have a joint activity planned. And if things are going badly - tell your friend. Don't leave them guessing about what's happening. And don't cut them off as soon as the vacation is over because something they did that you never brought up pissed you off.

Friends are precious. Treat them right. It's not always easy being friends. Sometimes you're the one who has to drop everything to help out or be there. You're the sympathetic ear, the strong shoulder, the dependable one. And sometimes, that's what they are for you. Sometimes it costs you - physically, emotionally, financially - to be friends, and sometimes, you reap the benefits of their sacrifice for you in support, sympathy, gifts. A friendship is a blend, but not necessarily a balance, of good and bad times together. Fair weather friends aren't friends, they're leeches. True friends make the sacrifices as easily as they accept the gifts that accompany being friends.